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I think that there is a new snobbery a foot. It’s “sex snobbery.” It’s showing up everywhere and in the most subtle ways. I listen to sex educators and friends talk about “other people’s” sexual expression with a tone of judgement and superiority which is frankly tone deaf.
It can look like this: Poly or people who have “Open Marriage” or “Open Relationships” can talk negatively about Monogamous people. They can speak about the boredom and normalcy of monogamy. That folks who are monogamous are not “enlightened” or hoard love or have not mastered their “attachment or abandonment issues.”
And now reverse that. People who live in monogamy talk about Poly folks as lacking commitment and being oversexed. They speak of Poly as “legalized” cheating. And it goes on. Heterosexuals are judged by people who enjoy same sex partners. Now reverse it.
Vanilla judges Kinky and Kinky judges Vanilla. How about we agree not to “YUCK each other’s YUM?” No one’s sexual or gender expression is superior to anyone else’s.
Sexuality is unique.
Everybody’s relationship with sexuality, gender, and romance is simply their own. Just because we share the knowledge that we both enjoy a particular sex toy doesn’t mean that we will experience it the same way. This new openness about sexuality has also led to a fear that if I share what turns me on, and it is different from you, I will get shamed. How can we share openly about our sexual desires if we are worried about shaming and rejection?
So let’s set a great big ground rule when it comes to sex: “Don’t Yuck My Yum.” Period. When we agree to talk about sexuality, relationship agreements and sexual preferences, the first rule is that there will be no “yucking.” You don’t have to be “into” whatever the other person is into — but we don’t get to make faces either!
When Opening a Safe Sexual Dialogue about Turn-Ons and Desire:
1. Prepare for change. Decide that you are ready to change your relationship with your own sexuality. Acknowledge that you feel like there is something missing, a problem, a disconnect. Acknowledge that you want to feel more than you are currently feeling.
2. Choose to make a change in your relationship with your own sexuality. If you are in a partnered relationship you may choose to speak with your partner about your desires for change. If you are not in a partnered sexual relationship you may begin by opening the conversation with yourself about what you feel you are missing and wanting. You may choose to seek the help of a sexuality coach or sign up for a program created to support people explore their sexuality.
3. Keep the yuck out of the yum and lower your sexually enlightened nose a notch or two. It will be more becoming and will allow for each person to have their own feelings in a safe space.
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