Know where to draw the line
There is a clear line between acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and that line can be different for different parents depending on their social, cultural, or even historical context.
What really matters is, knowing where YOU draw the line: What is respectful behavior? What is not? What is normal behavior for a pre-teen? What do you consider to be hurtful, dangerous, or inappropriate?
Clearly differentiating between normal and genuinely problematic behavior is the first step in the battle against inappropriate behavior. The second step is having clear consequences in place when your child crosses that line: Will you take something away? Will they miss out on something that they enjoy? Will they have to do something “good” to earn “positive points”?
Remember that your child should always be aware of the consequences of their behavior, and you should always be consistent in how you react to specific problem behavior.
2) Emotional regulation is often the key to reducing extreme problem behavior
Many of your child’s behavior problems stem from anger or rather, from their inability to deal with anger and issues such as frustration. A child who is yet to learn to deal effectively with big emotions is more likely to “explode” and react in anger (verbal or physical abuse, threats, intimidation, etc.), which is simply their way of releasing that anger.
This is the reason why many child psychologists say that fostering your child’s emotional intelligence is an important step in dealing with problem behavior. Teaching your child to manage their emotions appropriately means helping them understand that difficult emotions are normal, but it is possible to deal with them without hurting others.
3) Do not lower your expectations when faced with defiant behavior
Sometimes it’s so much easier just to “let thing slide”. This could be reflected in behavior such as ignoring problem behavior or making excuses for your child’s behavior (He didn’t really mean it; He said those things because he was tired; She did it because he provoked her, and so on) or because they prefer to avoid their child’s reactions.
When you lower your behavioral expectations, you either send mixed messages to your child by making them believe that their behavior is not that problematic after all or teach them that consequences are negotiable.
4) Nip challenging behaviors in the bud
Sometimes we get accustomed to certain inappropriate behavior in our children – it’s something that just happens.
When Celine’s son first began to hit her, he was only three-years-old. He would hit her when she didn’t let him have his way, or when she would ask him to leave from a friend’s house but he wanted to continue playing. “I thought it was normal behavior for that age, so I didn’t really do anything to stop it”. The only problem is that the hitting did not stop and got even worse as her son grew older.
It is normal to get accustomed to certain child behaviors. Problem is, the more accustomed you get to your child’s inappropriate behavior, the harder it is to deal with it later.
If you have noticed any of the behavior traits mentioned above, please act immediately to prevent them from escalating. Your child needs to know that you will no longer tolerate specific problem behavior and that there will be consequences any time that they display that behavior.
5) Do not let embarrassment stop you from getting the help your child needs
Many parents blame themselves for their child’s inappropriate behavior. But parenting is a tough and slippery affair, and we do not always have the resources we need when we need them. Also, your child’s temperament has a lot to do with their behavior, which explains why you may struggle with only one child and not the others, or why discipline strategies that worked perfectly with your first child fail miserably with your second one.
6) Do not take your child’s bad behavior personally
Part of the reason why we find it so difficult to deal with our children’s problem behavior is because we tend to take it personally. When your child responds disrespectfully, it can feel like a personal attack, and it is normal human behavior to protect yourself by lashing out yourself.
But lashing out is never the appropriate reaction in the face of your child’s challenging behavior. It sends them the message that they are “winning the fight”, which means that to get similar results in the future, they only need to continue the same behavior.
If you constantly find yourself losing control because of your child’s problem behavior, develop your own “toolbox” to help you manage when you feel like you are losing your cool. This could look like:
- Walking away from the room to calm down
- Splashing your face with cold water
- Taking deep breaths
- Emotionally disengaging from the situation
7) “Put on your oxygen mask first”
Self-care is not a selfish act when it comes to dealing with your child’s inappropriate behavior. It can make the difference between being too overwhelmed to effectively manage that behavior or finding the physical and mental strength to deal with problem behavior the right way.
Dealing with frequent bad behavior is exhausting, and you cannot do it effectively if you are tired and drained. When you take care of yourself, you will find it easier to take care of others. That’s why it is important to schedule “me time” for yourself every day to do things that you enjoy – read a magazine, catch up on your favorite series, listen to music, walk or jog, and so on. All these activities will make you feel better and prepare you to deal with your child’s problem behavior more easily.
Problem behavior is not uncommon among children with behavioral disorders. Disruptive behavior, extreme impulsiveness and defiance are all common symptoms of these disorders. Here are five behavioral disorders that may help explain your child’s behavior.
Behavioral disorders that may lead to problematic child behavior
- ADD/ADHD
Attention deficit disorder (ADD) and Attention hyperactive deficit disorder (ADHD) are a common factor among children who display problem behavior.
Here are some of the common symptoms of ADD/ADHD:
- Impulsivity
- High anxiety
- Poor capacity to process information
- Hyperactivity
- Attention problems
The good news is that if a child is successfully treated for ADD or ADHD, then the problem behavior associated with this condition decreases or ceases.
2) Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)
Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) is a behavioral disorder that is often diagnosed in childhood.
Some common symptoms include:
- Hostility toward authority figures (parents/teachers, etc.)
- Difficulty respecting rules
- Deliberately undertaking actions to annoy others
- Frequent and explosive tantrums
- Defiant and uncooperative behavior
3) Conduct disorder (CD)
Conduct disorder is a behavior disorder that often leads to child problem behavior. Common symptoms include:
- Willfully flaunting rules
- Aggressive behavior (for instance, committing assault)
- Animal cruelty
- Frequent lying
- Use of drugs and other abusive substances
- Willful destruction of property
4) Learning disabilities
If your child has a learning difficulty, it simply means that their brain does not receive and process information in the same way as other children. While learning difficulties are not behavioral disorders, children with these types of difficulties may display behavioral problems because of:
- Their inability to stay focused
- Poor communication skills
- Impulsive behavior
- Anxiety
- Hypeactivity, etc.
5) Antisocial personality disorder
The signs of an antisocial personality disorder are often diagnosed before your child turns 15. These include:
- Persistent lying
- Aggressive behavior
- Animal cruelty
- Disrespectful behavior
- Violation of rules
- Violation of others’ property (theft, setting fires, etc.)
- Destruction of property
- Extreme impulsiveness
- Violent behavior
Dealing with child problem behavior can make you feel like you’re fighting a losing battle, but remember that it is never too late to get your child on the right path.
