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There are a number of erroneous marriage teachings in the world today which if care is not taken, they could bring about instability to many homes. Marriage is one of those creations of God that Satan is actually interested in destroying. But the truth of the matter is that he can only try, he cannot destroy it because the works of God cannot be destroyed. Most marriages have experienced crisis at some point or the other. You only need to listen to testimonies of couples who have overcome their own marital crisis to know that crisis in marriage is not only peculiar to your own marriage, other marriages too do experience crisis. There are some marriages that are even in crisis even as this piece is been put together; and there are many more who would still experience one form of crisis or the other in the future. However, what is most important is what to do when there is crisis in your marriage, and this is why this piece is put together at such a time as this.
Crisis talks about a situation, most especially, a dangerous situation that needs urgent attention. Crisis in marriages goes out of hand when in the first place, urgent attention isn’t given to it to nip it in the bud. There are always two choices when this is the scenarios. First, it is either one acts appropriately to abate the crisis or two, act inappropriately and escalate the crisis beyond normal. To act inappropriately is to act wrongly, even though you have a good intention. Take a look at this example: A woman recently complained about how the father of her children has not been forthcoming in the upkeep of his children. Both husband and wife aren’t living together, and the wife has custody of the children. Now, that matter on its own is a crisis. However, she chose to announce the matter on social media for the whole world to know what has been going on. That act is an inappropriate way to respond to a crisis.
But the man in question as well decided to let the whole world know that He was not responsible for the children the woman had claimed were his own by revealing a DNA result he had secretly carried out on the children but kept the result secret from his wife. Now, why this analogy here? It is just to show us that when there is crisis in marriage, there is an appropriate way to act and there is an inappropriate way to act. To act inappropriately simply means that the crisis lifespan would be elongated more than necessary.
Marriages are unique and peculiar, so also are the crisis that befalls each marriage. What Mr. ‘A’ is experiencing in his marriage may be different from what Mr. ‘B’ is experiencing in his marriage. And that is why it is always a wrong assumption to apply the same methodology in addressing every marital crisis. Marital crisis must be addressed uniquely, based on the remote and immediate cause of whatever crisis that is at hand. And this is why most marriage counselors and psychologists take time to listen to their clients before they jump into any conclusion. However, the goal of this piece is to reveal to you the things you require to tackle any crisis that may be bedeviling your own marriage. So, what do you do when your marriage is experiencing a crisis?
#1. Go Back to The Ideal. Peradventure you are wondering, what is this ideal? I am going to show you briefly. Now, God is the originator of many good things, I believe that you already know by now, and marriage is one of those good things that God instituted by Himself. Over the years, the marriage institution had gone through a number of changes, first because of civilization, and second, because religion had also taught people wrongly. But despite and in spite of these two elements that has shaped the way and manner people have come to perceive marriage, the ideal still remains the ideal. God has not changed His mind concerning what an ideal marriage is or should look like.
So, the ideal marriage is the one that is founded on the principles of God alone, and not on the principles that civilization brought our way or some set of religious dogmas. God’s word concerning marriage is clear and succinctly written, and upon these words of God an ideal marriage rest. So, when you are experiencing a crisis situation in your marriage, the starting point is to ask yourself: what is the origin of this crisis and which principle of God concerning marriage can be applied to resolve it? That is it! For example, if the crisis is fueled by lack of submission from the wife, then the right thing to do is to find out what God has said concerning submission in His word. If the crisis is fueled by lack of love, then the starting point is to find out what the word of God says about love in relation to marriage. This is where resolving every marital crisis should begin from, by going back to the ideal.
When you try to resolve marital crisis based on the principle or systems of the world, the crisis end up escalating because the principles and the systems that this world teaches regarding marriage are not consistent with the principles that birthed the institution of marriage and the word of God. For instance, the world teaches equality in marriage, but the world of God requires that the wife submit to her own husband. But if the woman runs by the principles of the world and competes with her own husband in leadership and authority, this of course would bring about crisis in the marriage. The same is applicable to a husband who demands submission and respect from his wife but has refused to show her love, care and attention. So, resolving marital crisis is not by contemplating divorce first as an option. It starts by revisiting the real ideal that birthed marriage and upon which marriages that have endured the tests of time rest.
#2. Stoop To Conquer. This part I believe many would cringe while reading it. However, it is what it is. If you are going to conquer your marital crisis, then one person has to stoop. But I am going to use the teachings of the apostle Paul in the Bible to illustrate this analogy to us. 1 Corinthians 7:4 (TPT), Paul wrote: “Neither the husband nor the wife have exclusive rights to their own bodies, but those rights are to be surrendered to the other.” Now, literarily, I know you know what that Scripture is saying. But in reality, do you know that it takes stooping to actually surrender one’s right to another? Now in reality, most people in modern-day marriages believe that they have some fundamental rights in the marriage and therefore, neither the husband nor the wife is willing to surrender those rights on the altar of marriage. And when this is the case, crisis would always ensue in the marriage.
In marriage, what we do in actual sense is that we surrender our rights to our partner in order for us to have them back. Just like Jesus Christ said in John 10:17-18, it says: “Therefore My Father loves Me, because I lay down My life that I may take it again. 18 No one takes it from Me, but I lay it down of Myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This command I have received from My Father.” If you are going to overcome your marital crisis, you have to be willing to surrender your rights, just as Jesus surrendered His own life, in order to take it back. Either the husband or the wife must be willing to stoop in order to conquer.
#3. Investigate the Remote and Immediate Cause of the Crisis. When two trees, they say, fall on each other, you don’t start by lifting the one underneath first, you simply begin by removing the one on the top, and then you move to the other one beneath. The best way to resolve any crisis is by studying the remote and the immediate cause of the crisis. At what point do you start to notice that your husband or your wife is changing? At what point do you start to notice that you and your husband are falling apart. At what point do you start to notice that there is communication gap between you and your spouse? These are the questions that you ask yourself when you are trying to nip a crisis in the bud. Try as much as possible to go back in time and discover where the crisis began from. Even Job said in Job 8:8-9 to inquire of the former age in order to get to the root cause of a problem. Don’t just assume the crisis began on the day you discover it; it may have been there all the while and this is why it is imperative to go back in time and clear every doubt that may have given rise to the crisis in the first place.
I believe you have learnt something!
[Centre for New Dimension Leadership]
